Recently, I came across a decades-old high school yearbook picture from 1980. I was 15 years old. In that picture, I saw my light, I saw my joy. It's the first time I have really understood that the real me has always been there. But how I looked in the picture was not a reflection of the pain I felt inside. And although I think, now, that I looked adorable, back then I was convinced I was ugly. I really had no idea who I was back then. But I'm getting to know the real me, now. We're at a Turning PointIn this video, Kerry K. talks about taking the hardest thing you've ever struggled with and giving yourself permission to become the person whose life now mirrors the opposite. Using herself as an example, she shares that she once was homeless and now, is in the process of building a new home. Who will I be as Kerry the landowner, she asks. And she challenges us to do the math when it comes to our own histories. But more than one thing comes to mind for me. Do I start with the story that begins with my own longing for home while growing up in a home that felt bleak, dreary and grey and eventually leads to my being homeless, too? Am I going to have a place to live or where am I going to end up were questions that popped up several times before I was officially homeless and a couple of times since. When I wrote this post, I was still waiting to hear back about an application I submitted for an apartment. But is homelessness bigger than the identity struggles that arose as a result of childhood incest and sexual abuse? Or the difficulties I had with being myself, instead of my mother? I think home, trauma and am I my mother might weigh the same. And I'd like to pivot on all of them. To me, that would mean being cozy, safe and happy in a home I love, fully embodying the innocence and joy that were taken from me, and knowing and being the me that is not and never was my formidable (never let 'em see you sweat) mother. In what ways might you pivot? Create Your Own Internal RealityThe political landscape is heartbreakingly bleak? Be fully present & embodied and stay connected to your divine self. The people in your life keep arguing with you? Be fully present & embodied and stay connected to your divine self. You have chronic illnesses (like I do?) Be fully present & embodied and stay connected to your divine self. You need a job or hate the one you have? Be fully present & embodied and stay connected to your divine self. You have a problem I haven't mentioned? Be fully present & embodied and stay connected to your divine self. I would say that is what to do every day of your life, no matter what's happening. But that's actually Kerry's point, too, in the video. In the false matrix, the way to elevate your experience was to change your external reality. But now, we can change our own energy, and radiate a frequency that will have an impact on everyone and everything around us. It sounds similar to manifestation advice that says something like "live there now," but when that is a mental trick, it doesn't work very well. On the other hand, this is an actual energetic change which works like turning on a light in a dark room. So if it's possible for your inner goddess to radiate your light and initiate change, where would you aim her? See you next time! love, Jeanine
12 Comments
7/8/2024 12:20:46 am
I understand about the feelings of ugliness that I carried around for years. They were heavy, like a ball and chain, but they were so much a part of me that I didn't feel the weight. I now look at pictures of me at that age and I can't find the ugliness. Maybe it was never there?
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7/8/2024 02:46:38 pm
YES! Oh, Alice, that's it - you were never ugly. You were always beautiful!!
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7/8/2024 02:49:05 pm
I agree - it's always better to keep our power than to hand it over to anyone or anything else. But cleaning an entire house in a single day? Yeah, we might need a superhero or fairy godmother for that one. I get you, though. I tend to do things in bursts.
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7/8/2024 08:41:14 am
Mirroring the opposite - what a great concept. There is a coach that says - who would I be without that thought. So powerful.
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7/8/2024 02:50:49 pm
Right? I love it, Stacey! Who would I be if I stopped believing that? Who would I be if I knew it wasn't true? Or, if I knew the opposite was true? Yes!
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Brenda Marie Fluharty
7/8/2024 11:39:00 am
Being understood and accepted for who I really am, has always been a circling point in my life. I have found over time and with lots of work, that it does matter, if people miss understand me. It's their problem not mine. If, I accept myself for who I am that is all that matters.
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7/8/2024 02:52:12 pm
I'm with you on that, Brenda! All we have to do is just keep on being exactly who we really are.
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Your story brings back memories of one of my granddaughters. She went through so much abuse at home, being called ugly and would never amount to anything so much, etc, that she thought that was normal life. Once she realized it wasn't she took life in her own hands and never looked back.
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7/8/2024 02:53:44 pm
I'm so glad she was able to do that, Martha! I really believe that's the key - reclaiming your power!!
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7/8/2024 09:18:07 pm
Jeanine, I struggle with some of the languaging, but I did read your piece over and over, and did take the half hour to listen to Kerry. I would like to understand the idea of "false matrix" better. I, too, grew up believing I was ugly and even that I had poor social skills. But it was actually jealous people who completely made up ideas about me and repeated those to each other. I am finally free of them and of all other abusers, and I am blooming into the lovely, loving, creative, influential woman I was created to be. I am safe for the first time. It is wonderful to ask, "so who am I now?" And God tells me.
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7/8/2024 11:35:14 pm
Kebba, I am so honored that you took the time to really explore my post and to listen to Kerry's video! Thank you!! I'm sorry the language was not more clear. Stay tuned for a post about the false matrix.
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Hi, I'm JeanineI help awakened healers & mystics connect to their divine, authentic selves using guided meditations, guided journals and daily self-care rituals. Archives
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